Inside Yoga 100 (14/2/14)
“This one goes out to one I love…” such an appropriate line from REM, and a good opportunity to use these lyrics on a day such as today, Valentine’s Day… yet the question is while we are showing love for others today, do we love ourselves?
I do not mean this in an egotistical way, such as how ‘great and wonderful I am’, which leads to narcissistic and selfish tendencies, but the simple basic sense of love for who we are – an acceptance of ourselves, warts and all?
Can we love ourselves? This is the hard one… and not everyone finds themselves in this situation where if we are honest the root of what ails and troubles us, is the lack of love we hold for ourselves. We might be a fragile soul who has always felt vulnerable, but we also might be a tough person who doesn’t realise the reason why we are often so nasty towards others is that we actually hate ourselves.
What I like about both yoga and Buddhism is that these traditions do not shy away from this subject, but instead handle it head on – but it might not always appear to be head on.
The Buddha is quoted as saying: “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserves your love and affection.”
Hating ourselves doesn’t really solve it either, as the Buddha said: “Hatred does not cease through hatred at any time. Hatred ceases through love, this is an unalterable law.”
This viewpoint does make sense when we consider that the Buddha did say that: “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think.”
Based on this viewpoint why hate ourselves, why not find a bit more love for ourselves. Be gentler and kinder to ourselves… because even if there is just a 50 per cent truth in what is said above, then we have a 50 per cent chance of improving how we feel about ourselves.
Simply put, what is the point of being so down on ourselves, only we can bring ourselves out of this negative way of being, and even if it feels only like a slight improvement , that is better that no change.
The correlation with yoga asana practice and meditation is evident; most people who practice notice that it is through continual effort and practice that improvements are noticed, and once witnessed we want to keep going as we then realise that we are onto a good thing. So, every little step towards a better way of living is one step worth taking.
There is a phrase which is often used in this context: heal ourselves before healing the world. There are so many people who use charitable work as a way of masking their own personal suffering, often neglecting their own needs by doing work for others and never healing themselves. Yet, of course, we want to develop altruism, and love for others, so we can give our Valentine’s gift from a place of love, and change the world at the same time.
It is about getting the balance right: the Dalai Lama once said that “if we are to be selfish be wisely selfish, do things for others first as we know in the end we will benefit.”
Subtle and profound as the Dalai Lama often is, it does reveal or hint at the best way of getting the balance right. We know we want to feel better in ourselves, and by helping others this does help our inner world, but we must understand our own motivation for the action.
In this sense, that is why Valentine’s Day causes anguish for so many. It is one thing showing love for others, but are we aware of what we think of ourselves and what we want to gain from this action.
Pure love is not saying we love someone because we want to hear that they love us back. Conditional love is not pure love, loving both ourselves and others unconditionally is a tough task to master, but that is where the path leads to ultimate happiness.
I realise I might sound like a tree hugger, but after years of exploring this practice and struggling with these emotions, through years of intense practice I finally understood, and not just intellectually but in my heart. I have not cracked it totally, it is after all a practice, but I now understand what is meant by the saying to love myself before being able to love others.
This is also helps us to accept others, not necessarily loving everyone, as that would not only feel too difficult but very weird for many of us, but this approach helps us to accept others for who and what they are, even if we don’t agree with what they do or say.
I will let Rumi, the sufi mystic, have the last word on love: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Please feel free to add your comments and questions – fill in box below
